A Land Flowing with Milk...

Eléonore and I have been on quite the journey when it comes to nursing.  From the get-go, she has had a poor latch.  Her lower lip (Jake tells me not to call her lip inferior!) has always been slightly tucked in, and I suspected all along that might be the cause of our troubles. Because of her poor latch, it didn't take long for me to get cracks - bad ones.  I spent the first five weeks of her life struggling with recurring mastitis (the cracks worsening and inviting the infection to keep coming back), and ended up on three different kinds of antibitotics. 

I got to the point where I could no longer bare the pain (I've been told I have a high pain tolerance, which may have worked against me as I persevered perhaps too long).  Feedings were just not pleasant for either of us.  The lactaction consultants at the hospital took one look at me and advised me to quit nursing and to pump exclusively in order to give myself time to heal.  They suggested taking a break for three days.  Well, four weeks of pumping and bottle feeding later, I finally thought perhaps I had healed enough to attempt to nurse again.  The question was, would Eléonore take to the breast after a month of being on the bottle.  Feeling somewhat insecure because of our previous struggles, and wanting our first time back at it to go smoothly, and to have someone help with her latch, I contacted a La Leche League Leader who came to my home.  She was helpful and urged us to spend the whole next day at home in bed, skin to skin.  So, a couple of weeks ago, I surrounded myself with books, my computer, etc. and spent the day in bed, snuggling with my baby girl.  The snuggling part was a joy, but by the time Jake came home from work, I was stir-crazy, and so thankful for a couple of girlfriends who agreed to meet me at Starbucks that night (and gave me a reason to shower and put a touch of make-up on), and for my dear husband who encouraged me to get out of the house.  I'm just not the kind of person who can stay in bed all day!

The skin-to-skin-day-in-bed-exercise proved to be helpful in two ways.  First, it revealed that Eléonore was still willing to nurse.  This was a big deal to me.  Second, we discovered why she has never had a deep latch.  With a little detective work by the LLL Lady, it became clear that Eléonore is what is commonly referred to as 'tongue-tied'.  In other words, she has a tight frenulum (hers is the the lower lip one), and, thus, could never latch on properly (though she never struggled to get enough milk).  This problem can be corrected with a minor procedure, but would possibly require retraining her tongue afterwards.  Jake and I took a day to think and pray about it, and for various reasons decided not to pursue the frenectomy, so I will just continue to pump and bottle feed this year.

Understanding why nursing wasn't working for us has been so helpful to me in letting it go.  It was frustrating, wondering why neither of us were getting it.  Knowing the cause was purely physiological made it easier to decide that we were done!  Still, I kept asking God why he would not allow me to nurse Eléonore.  Obviously, after Joshua passed, I was unable to nurse him when my milk came in.  This was a very emotional thing for me.  I had high hopes that I would finally experience the joy of breast feeding with our second child.  But through it all, I prayed that God would have a purpose for our struggles.

Well, I thought that was the end of the story until last week, when I was visiting with a friend from church who has been caring for a baby girl (A) whose mother is in prison.  This baby was born very prematurely, about a month before Eléonore was born.  My friend was complaning about how baby A was so fussy because of the formula (for the record, I  have nothing against formula and understand that there are circumstances where that is the only option.).  Apparently, the baby's mother, who was with her during the first five weeks of her life was buying breastmilk from the hospital (I had no idea how expensive that stuff is.), and the baby did well on it.  As soon as they switched her to formula, she became very fussy. 

As my friend and I were visiting, a lightbulb went on inside my head and I pictured my freezer full of breast milk.  I asked her if she wanted some for baby A.  She looked at me, mouth wide open and said "really?".  I have had an overly generous supply of milk from the start, and have been building quite the stash - to the point where Jake mentioned we might need to invest in a new freezer!  So,  my friend came over the next day with a cooler, and filled it up with my milk.  A few days later, I received a text from my friend saying that A is getting healthier and happier so quickly!

I marvel at the way in which God works.  I praise Him for using my struggle with breastfeeding  - even for ordaining it - so that He could accomplish His purposes.  I have been rejoicing in His providence, and in the gift of getting to feed and bless another baby.  The baby's mother, when she found out her baby would receive breastmilk, was thrilled.  It is so humbling to be used by God in such a way.  I pray that He would have even greater purposes than that of feeding this baby girl.  I pray that her mama in prison would see His hand and look to Him for her spiritual nourishment.  I felt prompted to write her a letter this week, telling her the story.  Thinking I would have no way to relate to this woman, God lead me to share with her about losing Joshua, as I remembered what it was like to not be with my baby, to miss him, and long to hold him. I told her about how much comfort I found, knowing that Joshua was safe and cared for by hs Havenly Father.  I encouraged her that God was taking care of her precious A, and providing for her needs.

In all of this, I am encouraged and reminded that we just don't have the big picture.  When our hopes (big or small) are dashed, our expectations not met, and we simply don't understand, we must press on, trusting God has a purpose, if nothing else than to bring glory to himself (and that is enough).  What an honor to be a used as a vessel for His glory!

I better keep that milk supply going... :)