A Heart Test

In two weeks, I will be a student.  Again.  But this time, the "on-line" kind.  It's  a new venture that I am excited about, since it has been a long-time goal and desire of mine to pursue graduate studies.  A few days ago, however, I began to sense a restlessness in my heart.  For some reason, I had been putting off financial check-in, and suddenly, I was not at peace with the program of study I'd had my heart set on for so long - a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy.

At first, I ignored the feelings, but it didn't take me long to admit that something wasn't quite right, and that God must be speaking.  I came before my Father that morning, and prayed "Lord, not my will, but yours.  You know how much I desire to pursue this degree, but if you have another plan, please show me, and help me to be open to whatever you have for me - even if it means laying  down my own desires. 

God speaks in many different ways, and sometimes, it is a real challenge to hear His voice (rather to quiet our own voices), but this time, it was crystal clear.  That evening, I was browsing the Liberty University website, and happened upon a different degree completion plan - still in counseling, but this time a Masters of Human Services, with specialization in Marriage and Family.  What struck me was that this program was half the length of the other (thus, half the money!).  As I looked into it more, I discovered that the big difference was that this degree would not lead to licensure, which made sense because it was shorter.

 "Why do you want this degree, my child?", I heard God ask.  This is a question I have often asked myself, and convinced myself that this time, my motives were good.  "It's not about the title, nor the licensure, it's about the counseling tools that I will acquire, Lord."  And God said, "really?".  I had  to stop and ponder that question - again. 

This new program that I had happened upon had everything I wanted:  the same core classes as the MAMFT, it would give me the tools to come alongside Jake in church counseling situations, or to work on my own in a lay-counseling setting.  When I was honest with myself, I had to admit that the chances of me pursuing  licensure as a marriage and family therapist weren't that high.  It is a high price to pay (literally) just to hold onto the possibility of getting licensed, if I wasn't convinced that's what I wanted.  And, well, the title, I had to lay that one down.

Once again, God challenged my thoughts on where my identity lies.  He offered me a wonderful opportunity to pursue the classes that I'm interested in, in perhaps two years instead of four.  From my worldly perspective, it feels like I'm "settling for less" or "lowering my standards", but from a godly perspective, what he allowed me to haphasardly click on, was a program that seems perfectly tailored for me.

I struggled for just a short time, but the war that was raging within my heart was a clear sign that God was speaking, and that the Holy Spirit was convicting me.  I surrendered, called Liberty, had my degree completion planned switched to this Masters in Human Services (which doesn't sound quite as cool, but it doesn't matter, now, does it?), completed financial check-in without a glitch, and am now fully at peace.

I am so thankful for God's gentle testing.  He lovingly showed me that, even though I thought my motives were right, they weren't.  He wants our hearts - ALL of them.  And then, when our will is aligned with His, he gives us the desires of our hearts, and fulfills us in ways that we would have never been fulfilled otherwise.  His grace and patience in my life overwhlem me.  May He find me faithful, to always seek His will above my own, and to honor Him with my choices.