Gratitude

Not ‘why?’, but ‘for what purpose?’ This is the question that I am asking God.  There is no doubt in my mind that Joshua’s life and death have purpose.  Some of God’s purposes I have seen already, some I will discover in the months and years ahead, yet I accept the fact that the fullness of God’s purposes will not be revealed until I get to heaven.  

Part of the answer to the question ‘for what purpose?’ has already been revealed in God’s Word: to glorify God.  Simple.  Profound.  True.  I do not see clearly now, but someday I will.  For now, it is enough to know that what God ordained – a seven and a half month-long life within my womb – was for His glory.  Does it take away the pain?  No.  Does it remove the Joshua-shaped whole that is in my heart? No.  Does it make the lump in my chest go away?  No.  Do my arms ache any less for my beautiful baby boy?  No.   I miss my son like I have never missed anyone before, yet God is showing me things in this place of longing that I would not see otherwise.  He is showing me himself.

There are so many unknowns about Joshua’s death and about the future. But do I truly want all of the answers?  What would I do with them?  Would I try and find a reason for which God should have allowed Joshua to live?  God knows what is best for me, and at this time He has told me just what I need to know.  There is an element of suffering that is - and will always be - a mystery.  Why God so often chooses to accomplish His will through suffering, I do not know, but I do know Him.  And He knows best.  That is enough for me.

"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?  Tell me, if you have understanding." ~Job28:4

I choose to trust in the Almighty, Omnipotent, Eternal, and Sovereign God who gave us a beautiful gift after we prayed for it for many months – the gift of a son.  Is it any less of a gift because He took it away?  No.  It was a gift for seven and a half sweet months.  And what is the proper response when someone gives you a gift?  Gratitude.

Reflecting back, there are so many things that I am grateful for.  Here is a sample of them.

-Friends and family who partnered with us in our prayer to conceive

-An answer to that prayer

-The joy I felt when I announced to Jake that I was pregnant

-My family being States-side last summer so that we could share the news with them in person

-Going out to eat with dear friends to celebrate this blessing with us

-Getting to share one trimester of pregnancy with my friend Anna

- The sense of relief that came from hearing that first heartbeat

-Ultrasound pictures

-An early baby shower and celebration of Joshua’s life hosted by my dear friend and mentor, Becky

-Being prayed over by special women in my life at that baby shower

-A Grandfather who kept talking about his future great-grandSON (when we didn’t know the baby’s gender for sure)

-A name given to us by God

-A God-given intuition that the baby was a boy

-The amazing sense of love which came over me when I first felt my baby move

-Constant activity in the womb throughout the pregnancy

-Jake feeling movement often

-Joshua ‘swimming’ when I went swimming

-A trip to Switzerland when I was 5 months pregnant – family and friends to share in my pregnancy

-My mother ‘seeing’ the baby move

-Going maternity clothes shopping with my mother

-My father’s daily prayers for our baby

-Jake reciting Romans out loud while Joshua was in the womb

-Joshua’s presence with us at Christmas time…opening gifts for “Bebe M”

-A brother-in-law who turned an old, faded looking-crib into a beautifully stained dark-wood piece of furniture

-Parents-in-law and sister-in-law who helped move our office out, assemble the crib, and helped us put a nursery together

-A sister-in-law who gave us baby items

-Shopping for newborn outfits with my husband (we came home with only a boy one!)

-A quick labor and delivery

-Jake’s confident and loving voice during delivery saying ‘you can do it, baby’ when after hearing that the baby was not alive I didn’t know if I could.

-A verse to cling to during delivery (Joshua 1:9)

-A calm resident doctor and wonderful nurses

-Holding Joshua, seeing his face

-Jake’s words of blessing spoken over our baby

-Joshua’s footprints, handprints, lock of hair

-Pictures of him

-Parents-in-law who came the day we lost Joshua

-My mother who bought an extra plane ticket to be here

-My father who stayed home while my mother came

-Close friends who came to the hospital

-Meals, Flowers, cards, money to help with funeral expenses

-A loving church family

-Pastor Dave’s sermon

-A friend sharing her ‘image’ with me on the day of Joshua’s service

-Our closest friends in Cheyenne who know our pain and are willing to revisit their own loss and grieve with us

-Thoughts of Joshua in heaven with Samuel

-A class to pursue & keep my mind occupied
-Hearing about the deep questions from my friends' children, prompted by Joshua's death

-God’s unfailing love

-Hope