January 30th

Dear Joshua,

What does a mommy write to her son a year after losing him?  You have left a gaping hole in our lives.  I have thought about you daily this year, wishing you could be here with us; growing and developing as we had anticipated.

But I know God willed it otherwise.  You were created for Heaven from the start. It was God's plan all along.  We had to discover that a year ago today.  Truly, you are better off, my son.  You were spared from this world full of sin and suffering.  You are more alive now than you ever were in my womb, and you are more real to the Father than you ever were to your daddy and me.  You are experiencing Fulness of Joy in God's presence, while we must wait for it.  What a glorious day that will be when we meet in Heaven.  I am thankful that, though I must be apart from you for a lifetime, I get to spend eternity with you.

Your short life in my womb achieved more for me than what I ever could have given you as a mother.  You gave me gifts of eternal significance.  God used you to bring about a freedom in my life that I had not experienced in about 8 years - freedom from a battle of the mind regarding my appearance and my eating. 

Moreover, losing you brought me to a place of utter dependency on Christ.  I had never felt so weak before.  I was stripped, emptied, completely lacking, and I fell at the Lord's feet.  As I cried to Him to fill me, I experienced a greater intimacy with him than ever before.

My trust in Him grew as well.  You see, He took such amazing care of your father and me, when when we were so heart-broken.  He sent so many dear friends to minister to us and pray for us.  He even used an anonymous group called A.C.E.S (Anonymous Care and Encouragement Society) to bless us and encourage us with gifts and caards during the last three months of this year  The timing was perfect, and each gift felt like a hug from God.

The Lord also provided this year through somehing new for me to pursue:  starting a French school.  At first it was really hard.  All I wanted to do was to hold you, feed you, change your diapers, and rock you to sleep  (I'd still rather get to do that!).  It was hard to find purpose in anything other than being you mom.  But, little by little, I began to find joy in investing in the lives of these children, and in teaching them French.  I've even been using some of the music and books I had bought to teach you French.

God has been my strength in everyway, dearest Joshua.  I still miss you terribly.  You did take a part of me with you, and though God is bringing healing, I'm pretty sure I'll always feel like a part of me is missing.  But that's ok.  It is a bitter-sweet reminder of the gift you are to me.  It's how God works:  beauty from ashes, joy in suffering, and it ultimately points me to the cross, where the son of God laid down His own life for us.

Your dad and I have taken off work today.  We want to spend some time thinking about you and reflecting on this past year - reading what I journaled a year ago, looking through cards from your funeral, looking at your pictures.  Oh, how I wish that I could've known what you would have looked like with life in you!

You have given us so much, Joshua.  I pray that we would be faithful stewards of this story God has entrusted to us, and that we would bring him glory as it impacts the way in which we live our lives and love others.  This mommy is willing to bet that you have already made an impact on more lives than just ours.

I will love you and miss you forever. 

Mommy xx