Layered Grief

Those of you who've lost someone dear know that grieving is an extremely layered process.  Indeed, I have experienced grief on many different levels.  I have grieved my son, but I have also been grieving the whole lifestyle that I had been preparing for: motherhood. It has been just over four months since we lost Joshua.  Yes, healing is taking place.  It is slow, but it is happening.  At times, though, I still find myself in the thick of grief.

Recently, I've discovered another facet to my grief.  I have always loved to be an encourager.  I find much fulfillment in the calling that God has placed on my life to walk with friends who are hurting (is it any wonder that I am pursuing studies in counseling?).  I like to listen to people's hearts, and to help them to find hope amidst the trials.  I take joy in bringing comfort to others.  So what do I do when I am the one who is broken?  How can I encourage others when I am in need of encouragement myself?

I am so grateful for for the friends who are willing to walk this road beside me.  I appreciate their listening ears when I want to talk about Joshua or how I am processing things.  I am thankful for the friends who won't push back their tears in front of me, who are brave enough to feel my pain with me.  In doing so, they ease my load a little. 

I was recently reminded to of Romans 12:15, which calls us "to rejoice with those who rejoice;  mourn with those who mourn". Isn't that what the body of Christ is all about?  What joy there is in fellowship - whether we are rejoicing or mourning!

Sweet Fragrance

At Christmastime, I was given some aromatherapy products from Bath and Bodyworks.  As I rubbed the oil on my growing belly, I discovered how much I liked the 'lavender chamomile' fragrance that my friends selected to help me relax.  Another of my friends - who has had five children - told me that, for each child, she would buy a different scented body wash and lotion so that a particular scent was associated with each child.  Thinking it sounded like a good idea, and liking this new fragrance I was given, I went on a mission to find it in a travel size for my hospital bag.  Little did I know what a blessing this scent would be to me.  I still use the body wash and lotion - every day - and each time, it reminds me, in a sweet way, of  Joshua.  There is such a strong association between him and this lavender chamomile fragrance!  I thank God for creating our senses and for this long-lasting gift!

Gratitude

Not ‘why?’, but ‘for what purpose?’ This is the question that I am asking God.  There is no doubt in my mind that Joshua’s life and death have purpose.  Some of God’s purposes I have seen already, some I will discover in the months and years ahead, yet I accept the fact that the fullness of God’s purposes will not be revealed until I get to heaven.  

Part of the answer to the question ‘for what purpose?’ has already been revealed in God’s Word: to glorify God.  Simple.  Profound.  True.  I do not see clearly now, but someday I will.  For now, it is enough to know that what God ordained – a seven and a half month-long life within my womb – was for His glory.  Does it take away the pain?  No.  Does it remove the Joshua-shaped whole that is in my heart? No.  Does it make the lump in my chest go away?  No.  Do my arms ache any less for my beautiful baby boy?  No.   I miss my son like I have never missed anyone before, yet God is showing me things in this place of longing that I would not see otherwise.  He is showing me himself.

There are so many unknowns about Joshua’s death and about the future. But do I truly want all of the answers?  What would I do with them?  Would I try and find a reason for which God should have allowed Joshua to live?  God knows what is best for me, and at this time He has told me just what I need to know.  There is an element of suffering that is - and will always be - a mystery.  Why God so often chooses to accomplish His will through suffering, I do not know, but I do know Him.  And He knows best.  That is enough for me.

"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?  Tell me, if you have understanding." ~Job28:4

I choose to trust in the Almighty, Omnipotent, Eternal, and Sovereign God who gave us a beautiful gift after we prayed for it for many months – the gift of a son.  Is it any less of a gift because He took it away?  No.  It was a gift for seven and a half sweet months.  And what is the proper response when someone gives you a gift?  Gratitude.

Reflecting back, there are so many things that I am grateful for.  Here is a sample of them.

-Friends and family who partnered with us in our prayer to conceive

-An answer to that prayer

-The joy I felt when I announced to Jake that I was pregnant

-My family being States-side last summer so that we could share the news with them in person

-Going out to eat with dear friends to celebrate this blessing with us

-Getting to share one trimester of pregnancy with my friend Anna

- The sense of relief that came from hearing that first heartbeat

-Ultrasound pictures

-An early baby shower and celebration of Joshua’s life hosted by my dear friend and mentor, Becky

-Being prayed over by special women in my life at that baby shower

-A Grandfather who kept talking about his future great-grandSON (when we didn’t know the baby’s gender for sure)

-A name given to us by God

-A God-given intuition that the baby was a boy

-The amazing sense of love which came over me when I first felt my baby move

-Constant activity in the womb throughout the pregnancy

-Jake feeling movement often

-Joshua ‘swimming’ when I went swimming

-A trip to Switzerland when I was 5 months pregnant – family and friends to share in my pregnancy

-My mother ‘seeing’ the baby move

-Going maternity clothes shopping with my mother

-My father’s daily prayers for our baby

-Jake reciting Romans out loud while Joshua was in the womb

-Joshua’s presence with us at Christmas time…opening gifts for “Bebe M”

-A brother-in-law who turned an old, faded looking-crib into a beautifully stained dark-wood piece of furniture

-Parents-in-law and sister-in-law who helped move our office out, assemble the crib, and helped us put a nursery together

-A sister-in-law who gave us baby items

-Shopping for newborn outfits with my husband (we came home with only a boy one!)

-A quick labor and delivery

-Jake’s confident and loving voice during delivery saying ‘you can do it, baby’ when after hearing that the baby was not alive I didn’t know if I could.

-A verse to cling to during delivery (Joshua 1:9)

-A calm resident doctor and wonderful nurses

-Holding Joshua, seeing his face

-Jake’s words of blessing spoken over our baby

-Joshua’s footprints, handprints, lock of hair

-Pictures of him

-Parents-in-law who came the day we lost Joshua

-My mother who bought an extra plane ticket to be here

-My father who stayed home while my mother came

-Close friends who came to the hospital

-Meals, Flowers, cards, money to help with funeral expenses

-A loving church family

-Pastor Dave’s sermon

-A friend sharing her ‘image’ with me on the day of Joshua’s service

-Our closest friends in Cheyenne who know our pain and are willing to revisit their own loss and grieve with us

-Thoughts of Joshua in heaven with Samuel

-A class to pursue & keep my mind occupied
-Hearing about the deep questions from my friends' children, prompted by Joshua's death

-God’s unfailing love

-Hope

Memorial Service for Joshua Daniel Merriman

I want to write about my baby, about what took place in our lives two weeks ago, about the emptiness I feel, about the comfort God has brought, and about what He is already showing me as I walk through this valley.  I will write...in due time.  But for now, I want to share Pastor Dave Carlson's (who has kindly given me  permission to do so) message from Joshua's memorial service.  I pray that it will be a blessing to you, dear friends.  Thank you for your continued prayers for us.

Memorial Service for Joshua Daniel Merriman, Cheyenne Evangelical Free Church, 2/4/11, 2:00pm

Welcome in Scripture

            (Psalm 103:13-17) “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children.”

            We meet today to offer our encouragement, our love and support to a family who has lost so much. Children are precious to us, and the loss of Joshua Daniel Merriam is great. We all together share that loss.

To the Merriman family, you are not alone. God’s grace and His people are here. At the same time, and just as important, we meet today to confess our continuing trust in the sovereign work of God in our lives. Our faith remains, our hope persists and our love endures. We honor the name of the Lord our God. He is exalted among us through our Savior Jesus Christ.

           

Prayer

            Lord, we come today to acknowledge your unfailing love for us. We are reminded in your word that your ways are not our ways, your thoughts are not our thoughts. We cannot explain; we do not understand the whole of what you do. But we remain unshaken in our commitment to be your servants. We know that you love children. Jesus warmly welcomed them in his days upon the earth. We know that you also love us in our grieving. You are present among us today and so we ask for your comfort. Through your Word and by the Spirit grant us a fresh and new reminder of eternity. We also long to be in your presence. In the name of Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord we come before you now.  Amen

Song “You Are My All in All”

Scripture Readings

            Scripture is a help and a comfort, so I will read several texts this afternoon. Recently, on January 23 this congregation observed, along with many others across our country, the Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. We showed a video clip of the development of a baby within its mother’s womb. The miracle of a new life is common but that in no way diminishes the creative power of our God. Caroline worked for some time with the Life Choice Pregnancy Care Center of Cheyenne where these words must take on an even greater significance. Jake serves the Board of Directors of Life Choice with pastoral counsel as needed. These words acknowledge the creative power of our God.   Psalm 139:7-16

            Together with the Merrimans we celebrated the news of a baby on the way. From our perspective, God was bringing into their lives a blessing. We knew a couple who would in great joy welcome a child into their home and nurture that child in the Christian life. Yet by God’s sovereign design, he had a different plan for this home. On Sunday morning at 34 weeks of age, God had already welcomed Joshua to himself. The Merrimans have a profound trust in the work of God. Both Jake and Caroline claim verses from Romans 8 as especially significant. This chapter is the high water mark of the book of Romans. As Caroline carried their baby, and as Jake practiced reciting the book of Romans, which he is memorizing, I trust that baby Joshua heard these words spoken by his father. They remain a comfort to us all.   Romans 8:26-39

Song, “Great Is Thy Faithfulness”

Message

            A baby’s name is not always full of meaning. It may be clever, unique or creative in our day, and I no longer assume I know how to spell a newborn’s name. A baby may be named for a movie star, a baseball player or off the menu of Starbucks. We live in a new day. The name of your son Joshua Daniel Merriman has special meaning. This fall, Jake, you taught a class on the book of Joshua. You were impressed with the personal traits of Joshua as he led the nation of Israel. Joshua was a leader with character. He was God’s man.

            Daniel is also your middle name. Until Sunday morning, you did not know if your baby was a boy or girl, though Caroline had that mother’s intuition that it would be a boy. Jake, your son was born on your birthday, and the memory of Joshua will be part of your family’s story every January 30^th. Next year will be a difficult birthday, and some after that. Then as you approach an age sometime around my own, and you otherwise would forget your own birthday, at least you will always have Joshua’s. That’s a good thing, even when hard.

            The biblical character of Joshua was given a very difficult task. The nation of Israel had known only Moses as their leader. He was larger than life as God’s deliverer, and it is very hard to follow a legend. Joshua was chosen. God gave him a commission which was both a promise and a challenge. There would be battles ahead, but God would be with him. Israel would gain an inheritance, but they must faithfully follow the word of the Lord, not turning to the right or to the left. If the people of Israel did all that the Lord called them to do, then they would have success in the land. But the nation of Israel had a poor track record up to then. So God’s specific words to Joshua take on great meaning.   Joshua 1:5b-9

            The rest of the story describes the struggle. God kept his promise. A nation found its home. Joshua had claimed these promises, acted upon them, and the Lord honored him.

            During the difficult time of delivery on Sunday morning, as the impact of what was taking place became more known with each contraction, you claimed the words of Joshua 1:9 as your own, Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. That was a wonderful promise to cling to during those moments, and a gift of your son’s name to you. May I extend that promise further? It remains true. The Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Do not be frightened. Do not be dismayed. There will be days when you are reminded of the loss of Joshua. Tomorrow was to be a joy filled baby shower right here. There is a day circled on the calendar of your mind when the birth of Joshua was expected. Can I say it again; the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Commit your way to Him and find His promise to be true. It is the word of the Lord.

           

            The other text of Scripture that you asked me to share this afternoon is from the less known book of Lamentations. It derives its name from the sorrow of the moment as the nation of Judah and city of Jerusalem were being overrun. It was a very hard time in the land. The prophet Jeremiah, very good with words, expressed the lament that was felt by so many. Their sorrow was genuine, the grief was real.

            Sometimes we Christians want to pass right over verses like these and refuse to acknowledge the reality of our pain. We want victory; we want the joy of the Lord. But maybe we should slow down. I would suggest that if we have no sorrow, we receive no comfort. I will not be one to say that you must soon rise up and overcome the loss in your soul. Rather, seek the comfort of our God through the embrace of your loss. Jeremiah understood that as he spoke for many then, and for many today in these words:  Lamentations 3:1-6

            Anyone else ever been there? The agony of loss, the pain of affliction? Jeremiah described it as darkness, wasting away, brokenness, bitterness and tribulation. It has not changed. It still feels that way. Thank you both for being brave enough to say “this is hard, it hurts, I wish it would go away.”

            Jesus said it also in the Beatitudes when he acknowledged, Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. As you know and have expressed to me, it is not Christian teaching to deny sorrow or pain. They are real and accompany life. But the blessing of the Bible is that there is comfort beyond the sorrow. We are people who live in hope anticipating the new day. Again, we have been given the guideline by Jesus in living through the darkness. We first acknowledge, even embrace our sorrow, and then we can be comforted.

            It was true for Jeremiah, who wrote in the midst of trouble. He described the sorrow of an entire nation, but he could at the same time look ahead. He knew the sun would rise. He anticipated a new day. And he wrote these familiar words of hope and joy that are able to transform a life.   Lamentations 3:19-26

            These are words of a transformation that can only come from God. It is hopeful. It is forward thinking. And it is true. Caroline, one kind soul shared with you the words of verse 26, “It is good that one should wait quietly” when you were praying for a child. One month later your status changed to expecting a child. The change from praying for to expecting is huge. Your life has changed again. God has not. His promise has not. That is why we declare with Jeremiah that “the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning great is your faithfulness.” We just sang moments ago the words of the Christian hymn based upon this promise of Lamentations, Great Is Thy Faithfulness. It remains true indeed.

            Permit my reminder of God’s faithfulness even in this very hard time. Gretchen and I heard your thoughts on Sunday afternoon in your room at the hospital. You acknowledged that God had gone ahead to soften the blow of this loss in so many ways. You had planned to leave Sunday and drive to Sioux Falls. God kept you in Cheyenne and were not on the road in the middle of South Dakota, where this birth would have been so difficult. You had already done all the hospital pre-check in work on Thursday last week, making Sunday morning easier than it might have been. You both were to be gone all this past week, to Sioux Falls, and then Jake to the pastor’s conference in Minneapolis. As we know now, you needed this week together and you had a schedule that had already been cleared. Caroline, you had even worked ahead on your class assignments, so that you did not have to study this week to keep up. Jake, last Saturday you rehearsed with the worship team, and Gionatan had been asked to lead and choose songs. Those songs ministered to a hurting congregation last Sunday morning, chosen beforehand by a God who knows all things.

            I can go on. Some persons deny this and say we look for such things to try to give meaning to tragedies. They call them coincidence and are surprised by them. You call them the hand of God. You see them as His mercies which never end, His faithfulness which is new every morning. With that confident trust in the living God, you will go on, and will give Him glory.

            Allow no one to rob you of your grief. Allow no one to deny your comfort. In His time. In His way. Our God lives. Our God reigns over all. “The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Together, we look to the Lord today.  Amen. 

Words of Blessing by Jake and Caroline

Song, “Blessed Be Your Name

Dismissal

            On behalf of Jake and Caroline I thank you for many prayers, for the food provided, for the expressions of love. I thank you for your presence today and trust in your continuing kindness as well. You are all invited to share some food in the social hall where you can greet family. This service of memorial is not the end. We will remember Joshua, Jake and Caroline as we demonstrate Christ’s love in prayer and in acts of kindness from His people, His church. So, let us close in prayer.

Prayer

            Lord, encourage us through the promise of your word that by faith in Jesus Christ we can live in your presence for all eternity. When we see Jesus, we will see all those who have died in Him. That is our hope, our confident expectation.  Encourage, comfort and strengthen us for the days ahead. We commit again to you, our hope, faith, and love.

            As we go now, we claim the encouragement of Your Word:

Benediction  (from 2 Cor. 1:3-5)              Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 

May grace and peace be yours in the name of the Father and of the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen

Too busy to blog

Ever since I finished my job and started grad school (thinking I would have a much more leisurely & flexible schedule - ahem!), I haven't had much extra time for anything.  Turns out, online grad school is a lot more work than I expected.  Who was I kidding?  I find myself spending the exact same "office hours" that Jake spends at church, with my nose in a textbook or working on an assignment.  This promises to be interesting when I have a little one in my life!

Speaking of, I don't think I've mentioned yet that our lives will be significantly altered for the better come March, when our baby will show its nose to the world. :)  To say that we are excited is an understatement!  Come springtime, I'm sure that my posts will be much more entertaining - stay tuned!

To add to the business of my new life as a graduate student, Jake and I are hosting a young man from Kenya until December.  We are grateful to be able to offer him our home while he goes to the community college in town, and we are enjoying the daily Swahili lessons and occasional Kenyan food - brings back memories of my three-month stay in Kenya a few years ago.  It also means that I am having to cook more often...food seems to disappear pretty fast with two men in my house.  I guess it's God's way of preparing me for parenting.

I am needing to depend on the Lord's strength more than ever right now, as I not only seem to have less free time than when I was working (irony), and as I am more exhausted than ever.  The combination of pregnancy and angioedema (the chronic auto-immune disease that I live with) offers me little extra energy to work with.  I am thankful that His strength is made perfect in my weakness!

Bitter-Sweet Ending

Today I turned in my office keys, my last time card, sent some final e-mails, and said good-bye to my role as client services coordinator at LifeChoice Pregnancy Care Center.  I did so with a twinge of sadness at the though of leaving the co-workers that I love, the women who have become my friends, mentors, and prayer partners along the journey.  But the overwhelming sentiment today was gratitude.  I marvel at God's goodness in how he orchestrates - not only our own lives - but also every aspect of His kingdom for His purposes.

What a privilege to have been hand picked to serve in this ministry for the time that was allotted.  I was called there only for a year, but for the specific task of being there through the center's transition to become a medical center, offering limited obstetrical ultrasound services.  God whispered that calling into my ear not long after I took the job, and it is now so evident that it was indeed his plan all along.

I have had a tremendous amount of closure over the past couple of weeks - probably more than most people do when they quit their jobs - as I literally boxed up my desk supplies in our former location, moved items to our new location (a cute little house in a nicer area of town!), and helped my replacement get settled at "her" desk!

To top it off, God chose to bless me with an additional little (or not-so-little) parting gift.  My director shared the news yesterday that the grant which we had applied for, to get ultrasound equipment ($25000) had been accepted!  I marvel at God's goodness.

I thank the Lord, for the specific assignment that he gave me this year at LifeChoice, and for the wonderful work that He will continue to do there, as we bring on ultrasound services, and are better equipped to reach hurting women, and  ultimately save lives - both the mother's and the child's.

All for His kingdom purposes!

A Heart Test

In two weeks, I will be a student.  Again.  But this time, the "on-line" kind.  It's  a new venture that I am excited about, since it has been a long-time goal and desire of mine to pursue graduate studies.  A few days ago, however, I began to sense a restlessness in my heart.  For some reason, I had been putting off financial check-in, and suddenly, I was not at peace with the program of study I'd had my heart set on for so long - a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy.

At first, I ignored the feelings, but it didn't take me long to admit that something wasn't quite right, and that God must be speaking.  I came before my Father that morning, and prayed "Lord, not my will, but yours.  You know how much I desire to pursue this degree, but if you have another plan, please show me, and help me to be open to whatever you have for me - even if it means laying  down my own desires. 

God speaks in many different ways, and sometimes, it is a real challenge to hear His voice (rather to quiet our own voices), but this time, it was crystal clear.  That evening, I was browsing the Liberty University website, and happened upon a different degree completion plan - still in counseling, but this time a Masters of Human Services, with specialization in Marriage and Family.  What struck me was that this program was half the length of the other (thus, half the money!).  As I looked into it more, I discovered that the big difference was that this degree would not lead to licensure, which made sense because it was shorter.

 "Why do you want this degree, my child?", I heard God ask.  This is a question I have often asked myself, and convinced myself that this time, my motives were good.  "It's not about the title, nor the licensure, it's about the counseling tools that I will acquire, Lord."  And God said, "really?".  I had  to stop and ponder that question - again. 

This new program that I had happened upon had everything I wanted:  the same core classes as the MAMFT, it would give me the tools to come alongside Jake in church counseling situations, or to work on my own in a lay-counseling setting.  When I was honest with myself, I had to admit that the chances of me pursuing  licensure as a marriage and family therapist weren't that high.  It is a high price to pay (literally) just to hold onto the possibility of getting licensed, if I wasn't convinced that's what I wanted.  And, well, the title, I had to lay that one down.

Once again, God challenged my thoughts on where my identity lies.  He offered me a wonderful opportunity to pursue the classes that I'm interested in, in perhaps two years instead of four.  From my worldly perspective, it feels like I'm "settling for less" or "lowering my standards", but from a godly perspective, what he allowed me to haphasardly click on, was a program that seems perfectly tailored for me.

I struggled for just a short time, but the war that was raging within my heart was a clear sign that God was speaking, and that the Holy Spirit was convicting me.  I surrendered, called Liberty, had my degree completion planned switched to this Masters in Human Services (which doesn't sound quite as cool, but it doesn't matter, now, does it?), completed financial check-in without a glitch, and am now fully at peace.

I am so thankful for God's gentle testing.  He lovingly showed me that, even though I thought my motives were right, they weren't.  He wants our hearts - ALL of them.  And then, when our will is aligned with His, he gives us the desires of our hearts, and fulfills us in ways that we would have never been fulfilled otherwise.  His grace and patience in my life overwhlem me.  May He find me faithful, to always seek His will above my own, and to honor Him with my choices.